For Your Protection

Another of my "due dates" has come and gone, and I find myself having made absolutely no progress in the past couple of months.  Two doctors have zeroed in on one potential problem, a blood clotting issue which is a result of a genetic disease that I carry, but there is nothing conclusive and I'm in a holding pattern before I can take more tests.

I know all that sounds so boring, and, believe me, I wish I could just step away from the whole issue for awhile.  It seems I'm constantly recounting the past or aching for the future.

Randomly checking Facebook today, however, I saw a post by "Turtle Power for James Edwards."  This is a page that's been started by the friends and family of not quite two-year-old James who very nearly drowned in his family's swimming pool a couple of weeks ago.  His parents were at the hospital with James' brand new baby brother and James was under the care of a family member at the time of the incident.

James is ok but he's had a ton of problems and he is a long way from fully recovering.  The doctors have confirmed some brain damage, and they just aren't sure how things will end up.  Talk about a heart-wrenching situation.

Today James' mom, Jenna, posted about a gift she received from his aunt, a kid's devotional titled "Jesus Calling for Kids" by Sarah Young.  Jenna posted about the devotional's page for today, June 27, entitled "For Your Protection."  It really struck me.

For Your Protection

"Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."

Psalm 143:8

Some days are long and tough.  So stop and rest with Me for awhile.  Don't worry about what's ahead.  Don't think about the past or future.  Just focus on right here and right now--with Me.

I created time to protect you.  Because I am timeless, I can see your entire life from beginning to end--all at the same time.  But I knew that you couldn't bear to see your whole life all at once.  So I created time to hide your future from you, to protect you.

You can do nothing about the past, so just let it go.  You cannot know the future so just put it aside.  Meet me here and now--in this moment of time.  Trust that I am with you watching over you wherever you go.

So I think I'm going to stay in the here and now from now on.  Here's what mine looks likes when I open up my eyes and enjoy:

Hope Springs Eternal

One of my favorite quotes is "Hope springs eternal."  Isn't it true?  Ask any sports fan after their team has lost, anyone who has ever been dealt a blow.  There is always hope for tomorrow.

Today I received a ray of hope by way of a friend of a very good friend of mine.  This friend of a friend has been in my shoes and had some very good counsel to pass along.

I have no idea what the future holds, and this could really be it for babies.  But maybe not--I've got an appointment with a top DC doctor and perhaps they will be able to make sense of all the miscarriages.  This isn't something I'm going to pursue for years.  Rather, I want to see if a specialist can find a problem.  I want to do my research and give it another go if that makes sense.  We'll see what happens and I'll chronicle new developments on my blog.

In the meantime, I've started exercising again, I'm going to serve as Chair on the preschool parents committee, and I want to start hitting up yardsales/Craig's list for furniture and decor finds.  This process has also changed my heart for the better.  I've lost a lot of my severe anxiety and have relaxed a great deal recently.  Compassion, understanding, and empathy--characteristics I never exactly exuded--have settled into my bones.  Most importantly, I'm enjoying my children more than I ever thought possible.

I Will Wait

It happened again.  Enough time had passed and I really thought I was in the clear, but it wasn't to be.

There's been some confusion and lots of sadness.  A good amount of testing beckons at the door.  No anger though, just tears.

My new anthem is this.

I will wait.

Shared Space

On a complete whim, Rhett and I decided to move Charlotte out of her room and into Cate's room yesterday.  This meant ditching the crib and setting up a "big girl" bed for Charlotte.  This will be great, we said.  So easy! we said.  Charlotte takes change like a champ, we said.  Ha.

We'd originally planted the seed of moving Charlotte last year, when we thought we'd have a baby this spring or summer--a baby that would force Charlotte out of the crib whether she liked it or not.  Rhett and I eventually dropped the subject but Cate did not--she really, really wanted Charlotte in her room.  Charlotte, who is content to go along with most things Cate dictates, echoed the desire.

We got our old guest room mattress out of the storage in our garage and whisked Charlotte off to Target to pick out new sheets and a comforter.  In a very strange turn of events she picked a purple chevron design for her sheets and an all-purple quilt (ed. note: not actually strange at all--Rhett called her picks before she even made them).  Rhett rejiggered all the furniture, I moved clothes and prrrrrrresto!  We had a new, shared room complete with two beds, a play table, and a book nook.

So much purple!

Our book nook

 Charlotte was totally thrilled.  Until, that is, bedtime rolled around.  I put them to bed early because neither girl wanted to nap that day and it took me an hour and twenty minutes to get them to sleep.  This included:

• Five requests for tissues
• Two requests for water
• Thirty minutes of Charlotte straight up jumping on her bed and laughing
• Another thirty minutes of Charlotte running into my room
• Lots of giggling (not me)
• Lots of seething (me)
• Some rapid fire googling by Mama 
• Twenty minutes of trying to be like "Super Nanny"

It was all fun and games at bedtime…until I said "goodnight" for the first of 200 times

Charlotte finally gave up at 8:20pm.  I was spent by the end and I am sure it will happen again tonight.  But it's like all transitions, right?  Don't we all think "It will always be terrible!" and then, a week later, we say "that wasn't so bad."  Right now though, I really feel like taking a nap!  Guess who doesn't feel that way though…her name starts with a "C" and ends with a "harlotte."  Ahhhhhh...

Kicking off 2014

…so anyway, where was I?  It feels like the last few months have both creeped along and whizzed by.  All in all, life has been pretty darn good.  Here is how we've kicked off 2014:

One word: SNOW.  It's as if the weather gods realized we are moving to Texas next year and conspired with my children to dump mounds of snow over and over again on Northern Virginia.  I do feel blessed that the girls have gotten so much time in the snow, but I also wouldn't hate it if the temperature here never dropped below 60 for the next, oh, 16 months.

Because of the snow, we've had an abundance of inside time.

So much dress up...

Lots of mornings making pancakes into crazy shapes; this one is a dolphin.  Do you see what I did with the syrup?  The girls think I am a culinary genius.

Tons of mornings acting silly...

…trying out new hairstyles; Cate is our Creative Director in that department...

…making pillow forts...

…plus tons of drawing.  On a daily basis, I am requested required to create multiple princess "templates" that the girls can color.  I am no artist and, therefore, this=a problem.

However, Cate has gotten quite good.  Here is her very own Disney princess--Tiana from The Princess and the Frog.  She did the whole thing by herself and, in my completely unbiased opinion, I thought this drawing was pretty daggone awesome.

We've also been doing daily sessions with Cate's new Magna-Tiles.  She got a set for Christmas and we all completely heart them.  They are different shaped tiles that you can use to build anything--towers, castles, train stations, princess houses, you name it.  

We've never had a toy that everyone loves to play with so much all the time.  They're crazy expensive, but I'd rather have a very nice, sturdy toy that everyone can play with together than five or six plastic toys that get old after a week.  

Not pictured are the HOURS we've spent playing Uno.  Cate is an Uno master and her favorite thing to do these days is beat her mom and dad at the game which she can (and does!) do all the time.  We probably play fifty games over the course of a weekend.  We all love it--except when Cate calls us on having "Uno"--which she does to me regularly.

As a big treat, our family went to Disney on Ice.  Our tickets worth every last penny--the girls loved it so, so much.  In the opening, Mickey, Minnie, and Goofy skate out to welcome the crowd.  Charlotte smiled so hard when she saw Minnie, I immediately burst into tears.  Her cheeks were the roundest they've ever been and she was sooooooo sweet watching the show.  Cate was more reserved because she was studying everything so intently, and she couldn't have had a better time.  And I was just happy that I got to eat a gigantic soft pretzel.  Wins all around!

I also volunteered at a local children's consignment sale last week.  I do this every six months and it is such a highlight for me.  One day, I hope to run my own sale in Texas.  This was the first sale where I wasn't there to shop as well--although I did snag a couple of dresses for Cate.  The one below was her favorite--a tulle flamingo dress--because who can pass something like that up?

And now, I finally feel like I can take a deep breath with spring on the horizon.  Today we visited Frying Pan Park to see some farm animals and a horse show.  The sheep freaked the girls out, but Cate was thrilled to see baby pigs because we just finished up Charlotte's Web.  We had fun deciding which pig was Wilbur.

More to come soon!

Finding Perspective in Suffering

There was once a girl who had a miscarriage.  Then, a few years later, she had another one.  And then another one right after that.  These miscarriages were all very different, very painful, very emotional.  All ended the same way--in a hospital bed with that girl feeling empty and alone.

Except for the first miscarriage which is truly a whole other story in itself, she faced her losses with a loving husband, supportive mother, and the ability to swallow back up the situations without more than a couple of people knowing.  All three losses ate away at her though.

But, after taking a good step back, that girl finally gave each one a lot of thought.  And she read this post.  And she heard one important sermon about why God lets good people suffer.  And she heard "Let it Go" from Frozen and she sang it over and over again--true story.

A million other things happened too and, mercifully, over time her eyes were slowly opened to some things she desperately needed to learn.  These were things she'd heard before, but until going through her suffering, she didn't fully understand them.  But now, she can reflect and find peace in her newly gained perspective.

1. Without suffering, how would we gain experience, understanding, and wisdom?  We couldn't.  It's so easy to coast along during the good times, but without setbacks, our lives would remain shallow.  Romans 5:3-5 says, "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts."

2. Be kind to everyone and show compassion.  We cannot possibly know what is going on in others' lives.  Truly everyone is fighting their own battles.

3. It's not ok to speculate on and gossip about other women and their fertility and/or possibilities of being pregnant.  The girl learned this the hard way.  One of her friends warned her about this years ago but it wasn't until recently that she matured enough to get it.

4. Unless you have been there/done that and can commiserate with whoever is suffering, often the best kind of sympathy is silent.

5. One woman's fertility is not affected by another's.  Even if it's hard to do so through tear-laced eyes, congratulate those who announce their pregnancy.  Welcome their baby with open arms.  Babies are gifts and miracles.

6. We all still have so much to learn and experience--both good and bad.

7. It is a tough existence to live your life in 30-day cycles.  Take a breath, enjoy the seasons, celebrate happy events, and experience life as a whole.

8. It could always be so much worse.  The girl just read a story today about a sweet four-year-old boy whose parents just found out that the tumor in his brain has tripled in size since the brain surgery he had a couple of weeks ago.  She has heard too many times about women who lost babies at full term, or mothers who gave birth to little ones facing certain death.  Do these situations garner more compassion than a few first trimester miscarriages?  Of course they do.  Compared to some mothers, this girl has it easy.

9. God is good--ALL THE TIME.  We don't need to understand His plan in order to have peace in our lives.  We cannot possibly see the big picture and how our sufferings and losses fit into it, but we can be sure that it's all shaping us to walk down the righteous path.

The girl has made more mistakes than she could ever count and she has stood in direct opposition to each and every one of the things she's listed above.  But she doesn't mourn the past and her lack of perspective.  Rather, she is looking toward the future with her arms stretched out to the heavens above.

Time

"I don't really want more time, I just want enough time.  Time to breathe deep and time to see real and time to laugh long, time to give You glory and rest deep and sing joy and just enough time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven, or wild to get it all done--yesterday."

-Ann Voskamp