I just returned today from the hospital where I finally had to give in and have surgery to end the latest miscarriage. It nearly killed me to have to relent, but after three months, where for so long I thought if I could just hold out a few more days and it would be over, it was time to put it all to bed. Oh, it was time.
It felt like a familiar routine; a bizarre Groundhog Day--checking in at the intake desk, waiting in that little room with the TV that seems to exclusively show odd commercials and the weather report, going back to the prep area, seeing the same nurses who also now think I look familiar, being wheeled back to the OR where I slowly black out, coming to and, finally, after fasting for most of the day, eating Snackwells vanilla sandwich cookies. I have a love/hate relationship with those treats now--they make me feel so much better, but I hate that I'm there, in the hospital recovery area, eating them again.
My hope is to finally get over it all--mentally and physically--but I'm worried that is still a long time coming. Pregnancy and babies surround me. Even people I know very well, who are at least somewhat clued into what I've got going on, make comments that sting...badly. Stories about pregnancy and comments about babies flow easily and I wonder, does anyone pause and think for just a second?
To be fair, I am waaaaaay over sensitive right now and no one is inside my head. It's unrealistic for all pregnancy images and conversation to be withheld. It's not that I'm not happy for anyone who is pregnant--I AM--I just want to treat it carefully, and have people discuss it in the same way they'd talk about religion and politics with a stranger--treading lightly. If I was pregnant surely I'd want to spread the joy that is expecting a baby--talking about it, posting on Instagram, etc. So there is no blame that I want to dish out. No one has done anything wrong. Selfishly, it's just...hurtful and sad. Sadness has crept into my bones.
One day I will get over the whole thing, and I am appreciative to have the perspective this has all given me. Right now it's raw though and some of the stings run deep.
